The 10th Greatest Gifts I give to my children - Steven W. Vannoy
5 Powerful Parenting Tips :
1. Forward focus
How to focus our minds and energy so that we keep moving forward :
- We can only focus on one thing at the time
- We can avoid a "don't"
- We go toward what we focus on
as we learn with focus tool, we give the children to learn about
" It's a simple reality of life - what you focus on is where you will go, focus on your problem and they will loom larger every day. Focus on solutions and the problem begin to fade away"
"If you want to get performance from someone, you don't point out where they are weak or what they did wrong. If you want them to do better, focus on their strengths and they will go harder and harder in that direction"
ENERGY MAP
Back Side Forward Side
What's not working What's working
Problem Solution
What I don't like about myself What I like about myself
All the reasons we can't get there . Result we want to create
What's wrong with where we are . What do we have to do to move toward where
we want to be
2. Messages
"There are really on two kinds of messages we can give our children, hurtful ones that belittle or diminish them, love messages that reinforce their goodness their talents and their possibilities"
"A simple message becomes our children's truth and that truth becomes their self-esteem, and that self-esteem governs their entire lives, their satisfaction, their success and their joy"
3. Teach/Co-Discover
"Being a parent leader means you can now spend your time exercising meaningful discipline instead of meaningless discipline. Meaningless discipline means the control still keeps coming at them, not through them. Meaningful discipline defines the limits and behaviour you have deemed acceptable for your family, but bestows the children with the gifts of qualities and values they will need to establish their own internal commitments and controls"
" Leaders whether in business or at home, find people are willing to do ten times more than we could ever tell them to do when they are motivated and empowered to work from their own ideas and their own internal commitment"
"Managing means giving orders, telling and having all the answers and all the responsibility being autocratic King Boss, but when manager learns to use forward focus question, the access their people's best ideas, they transfer ownership, they transfer responsibility. Perhaps most importantly when people discover they have the answers and that they can be responsible, it greatly enhances their self esteem and their desire to contribute and make a difference"
4. Listen
"Research shows that you have a greater impact on people by how you listen that by what you say"
What happens when we don't listen at home? If we are lucky, a caring teacher will take the time to listen and fill in some of the emptiness our children feel. If we aren't, rest assured our kids will find someone to listen, maybe a gang member or a drug dealer or smooth talking partner who wants sex. The gift we give to our children when we take "high roads" and really listen are incredible :
5 Powerful Parenting Tips :
1. Forward focus
How to focus our minds and energy so that we keep moving forward :
- We can only focus on one thing at the time
- We can avoid a "don't"
- We go toward what we focus on
as we learn with focus tool, we give the children to learn about
- Optimism, as our children learn not to stay stuck on what's wrong and what's can't be done, instead focus on what's working and what can be done
- Problem solving, as they learn to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem
- Self esteem, as they focus on what's good about themselves
- Lack of defensiveness, as they are not looking for who to blame or why they are a victim
- Risk taking, creativity and a joyful attitude
" It's a simple reality of life - what you focus on is where you will go, focus on your problem and they will loom larger every day. Focus on solutions and the problem begin to fade away"
"If you want to get performance from someone, you don't point out where they are weak or what they did wrong. If you want them to do better, focus on their strengths and they will go harder and harder in that direction"
ENERGY MAP
Back Side Forward Side
What's not working What's working
Problem Solution
What I don't like about myself What I like about myself
All the reasons we can't get there . Result we want to create
What's wrong with where we are . What do we have to do to move toward where
we want to be
2. Messages
"There are really on two kinds of messages we can give our children, hurtful ones that belittle or diminish them, love messages that reinforce their goodness their talents and their possibilities"
"A simple message becomes our children's truth and that truth becomes their self-esteem, and that self-esteem governs their entire lives, their satisfaction, their success and their joy"
3. Teach/Co-Discover
"Being a parent leader means you can now spend your time exercising meaningful discipline instead of meaningless discipline. Meaningless discipline means the control still keeps coming at them, not through them. Meaningful discipline defines the limits and behaviour you have deemed acceptable for your family, but bestows the children with the gifts of qualities and values they will need to establish their own internal commitments and controls"
" Leaders whether in business or at home, find people are willing to do ten times more than we could ever tell them to do when they are motivated and empowered to work from their own ideas and their own internal commitment"
"Managing means giving orders, telling and having all the answers and all the responsibility being autocratic King Boss, but when manager learns to use forward focus question, the access their people's best ideas, they transfer ownership, they transfer responsibility. Perhaps most importantly when people discover they have the answers and that they can be responsible, it greatly enhances their self esteem and their desire to contribute and make a difference"
4. Listen
"Research shows that you have a greater impact on people by how you listen that by what you say"
What happens when we don't listen at home? If we are lucky, a caring teacher will take the time to listen and fill in some of the emptiness our children feel. If we aren't, rest assured our kids will find someone to listen, maybe a gang member or a drug dealer or smooth talking partner who wants sex. The gift we give to our children when we take "high roads" and really listen are incredible :
- We validate their feelings
- We enhance their self esteem
- We encourage their problem solving skills as we hear our their solutions
- We foster their creativity as we let them recreate a scene or embellish it with a detail
5. Model
"Modelling is one of the most important yet simple parenting tools you can use. It's a tool that keeps working even when you are not around because your children see how your life is working, what kind of results you create by the way you live. Remember, your children cannot hear what you say until they see what you do"
"As a parent you are constantly modelling life to your children, shaping a majority of their behaviours, attitudes, mannerism, speech pattern, problem solving techniques. Expert say our children get 90 percents of their behaviour and values from us. You are the one who create their operations manual for life. The important point is whether you are using the tool of modelling "the old way" as unconscious zombie, or "the new way" by being consciously aware of what you are doing"
Your messages and your willingness to ask question and truly listen to their answers will make a vast differences in whether the experimentation runs a harmless course or the kids feel they have to carry it further and further extreme to resist you. In the absence of positive modelling and response at home, our children will find their role models at school, on TV and on the streets. Remember, your children cannot hear what you say until they see what you do.
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